My freshman year in high school, I failed P.E. (a.k.a. “gym”). True story. Mr. Gopoian, my high school counselor, a sweet man with deep soulful eyes, and his signature tobacco pipe hanging from the side of his mouth, had a chuckle about it. I was a good student and I didn’t think getting that “F” was fair.

I didn’t like square dancing. I also didn’t like dodge ball and whatever other activities our sadist of a gym teacher had planned for us. And, I deeply detested having to change into my gym clothes in the locker room in front of everyone.

I never played team sports except for the few times I tried during middle school. I played softball a few times in the yard of the old nearby monastery because our little parochial school didn’t have its own field. I tried bowling in high school mostly because my friend peer pressured me into joining. I did a little baton twirling but got kicked off the team because my boyfriend stopped by the bleachers to say hello during a football game.

The only activity I excelled at, if you even want to call it that, was cheerleading in middle school. I practiced and practiced until I could do a split, cart wheel and cheer the loudest. I became captain in the 8th grade. But keep in mind there were probably 6 girls on the squad.

Some of my favorite high school memories are of Mr. Gopoian, my high school counselor. I used to cut class and go chat with him instead. Maybe it was the sweet smell of his smoky office, or the many photographs of his family. Maybe it was his calm paternal demeanor, or his stories about his beloved Armenia, or how his wife once washed all his pipes thinking she’d done something nice for him, but instead ruined them. But mostly, I think he was good at his job. I always felt safe, and valued as a person. There was also the added benefit that meetings with your counselor were excused.

I have always carried extra weight. And, getting an F in gym was the equivalent of getting an A++ in body shame. Mr. Gopoian in his infinite wisdom gave me 2 gifts that I have always appreciated. First, he said that I was “pleasantly plump.” Where some of my family members took every opportunity to mock my appearance, this kind man said the opposite. Next, he erased the “F” on my grade card and wrote “P” instead (b.c. before computers). I didn’t have to go to summer school. My deeply religious Orthodox Armenian counselor did a completely unorthodox thing in 1984 to help me, and I have always been grateful to him for that.

Over the years, I have done many things to have a healthier life style. And I’m satisfied with all that I have accomplished in my life. But maintaining a regular exercise routine has always been a struggle for me. This is the part where I start making excuses. Some of them are legitimate, such as having special needs kids. You’re a mom, already a 24/7 job, but you’re also an educational and medical case manager, advocate, skills trainer, researcher, and archiver. If your kids require special staff and funding, you become a grant writer, human resources coordinator and trainer. If they require special accommodations in the home, you become an amateur interior space planner and designer. Your time becomes extremely limited, and you’re also exhausted–all the time.

Recently, I made the commitment to myself to start strength training. Having an antiques business has been wonderful, but very demanding on my body. I read that 80 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has been working with a trainer and is in excellent physical shape.  After winning the super bowl, quarterback Tom Brady said he feels better now at 39, than he did at 25. They inspired me to take action.

I don’t want to keep making excuses about the state of my body! It’s not about fitting into a smaller clothing size, although that would be a plus. It’s more about a state of mind at this point in my life, if you will.

Luckily for me, last year a personal training studio opened up literally right next door to my business, Antiques on 1A. Patrick Kinney, the owner of Custom Fit Training, is a fitness and lifestyle professional who works closely with me on establishing realistic short and long term goals that will lead to a lifetime of positive physical activity. I’m generally the type of person who does not need to be “accountable” to anyone else in order to accomplish things. However, it’s clear that after years of joining gyms, the motivation and accountability just haven’t been there. Having a set time with a physical trainer who keeps me in check as far as my goals, and progress, all while having fun is one of the smartest moves I’ve ever made.

As caretakers, we can be really hard on ourselves, and put our own wishes and priorities last because we have to take care of everyone else first. There is guilt when you take time for yourself, and there is also guilt when you don’t. So, I tackled my guilt by acknowledging that I can’t be any good to my kids if my health is failing. Taking time for myself–not just to work out–but to learn how to move my body to avoid injury is giving me a huge boost of confidence. Working with a trainer is my reward to myself for being a good mom, for working hard to keep my family afloat in spite of the challenges of divorce and adversity. I’m so looking forward to seeing what I’m capable of accomplishing in this out-of-my-comfort-zone chapter of my life.

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